How to Own More People

An Age-Old Dilemma
Do you want to own more people? Of course, we all do. You are busy. You have a lot on your plate. Let's face it, there aren't enough hours in the day to get it all done and pay the bills at the same time. You need some extra help. You need a slave. But who can afford to buy a whole slave in this economy, and keep them quiet about all the slavery that's going on? Nobody, that's who.

I have a solution for you. It came to me when JuliaWife and I stayed at a time-share property. The time-share concept is simple: you want a vacation property but you can't afford to buy the whole thing. A lot of other people in your same situation can pitch in with you to be part owners of one big vacation property, and you share the time at that property with them. You don't get a whole property to yourself, but you do get an affordable percentage of one without all the hassle of owning and maintaining the whole thing. Win and win.

Before we can apply this in a way that gets you your slave(s), we need to be on the same page about a few key concepts.

1) Slavery. Slavery is a system where people are viewed as property and can be owned by other people. When one person owns another person as his slave, he gets access to about 90% of the slave's time and energy. The other 10% is freely given to the slave to do with it what he will. With his 10%, a traditional slave may choose to sleep lying on his back OR lying on his side. With his 10%, a traditional slave may choose to chew his food with the right side of his mouth OR the left side of his mouth. It's totally up to him!  It's his free time to do with it as he will.

2) Money. Paper money allows us to trade our time and energy with others in a way that is simpler than directly trading tasks or goods. It's hard to determine how many hours of tax consulting it takes to trade for a Playstation, or how much pig feed amounts to 32 oz of Mountain Dew.  

So, we exchange our time and energy for paper money so that we can trade with others more easily. Our money is really just human time and energy condensed into something that you can hold in your hand, fold into a wallet, or stack it to the ceiling like this guy.

3) Sharing. This can be tricky since some people believe that sharing should be a choice, while others believe that choice isn't as important. The idea in either case is that one person gives their time or energy (in any form, even money) to another person in order to help them.  

So here's how we solve your slavery problem. You need slaves but you can't afford them. Other people need slaves but they can't afford them either. Let's get some time-share slaves! (The sharing may or may not be the voluntary type.) Each one of us could pitch in to own a smaller percentage of a large group of slaves. If we spread that out over many people and many slaves, we will get some of the benefits of slave ownership at an affordable price but without all the hassle of traditional slave ownership (auctions, trading, breeding, whipping, etc.). And get this, I guarantee this will work or you can opt out at any time.*  

Working Out Some Kinks
A good time-share slavery operation will need to apply some of the ideas that worked with traditional slavery but to a lesser extent. Traditional slavery took too much from its slaves too quickly. This means we can't give our time-share slaves the traditional amount of free time (10%) and expect good results. We'll need to start with more free time and decrease it gradually. We could start by designating 99% of their time to be free time (we only require 1% of their time to be slave time). Later, we could point out that some slaves are more productive and that they are getting more from their free time than other slaves. To be fair, we'll ask a little bit more of our more productive slaves. After a few generations we'll be able to increase the slave time to about 40% for our more productive slaves (the ratio will be determined by individual slave productivity and the perception of fairness among owners in the time-share community). A good operation will start low and increase slave time slowly to avoid making waves among the time-share slaves who will be sharing the most time. This may take a few generations of slaves to get good and established. Patience is key.

I am aware that our country's relationship with traditional slavery ended in a way that makes things a bit awkward, but time-share slavery can overcome this. Remember, money is a way of transforming human time and energy into paper, so when people look at their money they don't see hard work and time, they just see some dirty old money. So we won't come right out and say, "Hey time-share slaves, come do 40% of your slave time over here in the kitchens or over there in the fields." No no. We'll simply invite them to participate in this incredible ownership opportunity and ask them to pay their "annual dues" (slave time) WITH MONEY -- it's just dirty, old money. This way they don't feel like slaves, they feel like slave owners taking part in a great ownership opportunity. The pride of ownership will keep most slaves in the program without thinking about the awkward topic of slavery. And we'll get to spend the slave time (money) we collect from them as if it were our own money. It's just like having a real human slave.

Don't Worry
Now, some of you at this point might be worried that if you sign up you'll be a time-share slave and not an owner. Let me just reassure you that this is not the case. No way. Not you. You are owner material, not slave material. Sure you'll be expected to pay annual dues like all the other owners, but you can opt out at any time.* And hey, let's not forget that you're about to own your very own human slaves! This is something that hasn't been done for decades.

If you want to know more about your incredible opportunity to be a time-share slave owner, and how to keep your time-share slaves quiet and happy, then stay tuned, there's more to come. And if you bring 5 friends to the next online meeting, you could win your very own iPad!**

*The "opt-out" option is only made available to slaves who die, leave the country, or become permanently disabled.
**Prizes subject to change at anytime and may only be imaginary.

What Do Sheep, Weasels, and a Ferret Have in Common? 'Merica.

 

Shortly after the IRS was caught being naughty, Brobama gave this speech and my brain started burning.  It wasn't what the Chief said, but that he was able to say so much without committing himself to specific action.  This is a problem we have with the ruling class: they speak a different language than we do.  It's English but it isn't English, it's something else (not 'Merican).

This isn't English either, this is Engrish:

 Don't worry, it's a dericious crassic.

 

Let's All Go to Correge 

One of the most valuable classes I took in college was called "Understanding Rhetoric."  Which is a nice name for a class that teaches us how to detect bullcrap and sort it into varieties.  In that class I learned two good techniques: 1) to pay attention to what people are choosing not to say, and 2) to consider any possible alternative interpretations of their wording. 

Here's an example from real life (sort of):
 

Wife: "Trevie, will you take this garbage out?  It stinks."

Trevie: "Yep. I'm on it."
 

Sounds like Trevie is the ideal American husband-man huh?  False.  Keep listening for the part when it's 2 hours later and the stinky trash is still indoors.  Here it is:

Wife: "You said you were going to take out the trash?"
Trevie: "I know. And I will."

Wife: "You said you were 'on it.'"

Trevie: "Yeah, I said I was on it, but I didn't say that I was on it right that second. The day isn't over yet.  I'll get it done.  Relax."
 

You see what Trevie did there? 

1. He found a way to use something he didn't say in his defense. 
2. He took the liberty of an alternate interpretation of what it means to be "on it."

 

Supreme Leader Speaks English... 'Merican... Something

"I’ll do everything in my power to make sure nothing like this happens again by holding the responsible parties accountable... and going forward, by making sure that the law is applied as it should be..."

-- Barry O. Bahama, Supreme Leader, Gubmint of 'Merica

 

Sounds like Barry's taking out the trash.  He's on it.  But just so we're all on the same page, we may need to clarify some things such as:

• Who are the "responsible parties?"
• What does it mean to hold "responsible parties accountable?"
• How soon is "going forward" going to happen?

Cause here's what I thought when I heard it:

• "responsible parties" = the entire IRS
• to hold "responsible parties accountable" = firing the entire IRS
• "going forward" = tomorrow

 
No federal entity ever really gets fired, so Brobama's interpretation is likely different from mine.  Come up with your own interpretations and see what happens.  It's neat.  Soon you will see that everything he said could mean anything his heart wants it to mean (and that's what matters most).  You will see that Barry is about as "on it" as Trevie was on that stinky trash.  

 

 

Escape-Hatch English (Weasel Words)

Being brief and deliberately vague (like Trevie and Barry were) is one fun way of building escape hatches into our language.  These escape hatches help us weasel our way out of keeping our word.  Escape-hatch English is an important language to understand, so I'm recommending it to friends and non-enemies.

If you aren't sure you'll recognize escape-hatch English when you see it, just look for weasely words like "try my very best" or "fulfill my duty" or "the best of my ability."  Those are key indicators of impending bull crap.

It's Okay* to be Different   *definitions of "okay" may vary from state to state

We all weasel out of something sometime by using cheap escape-hatch tricks.  So why pick on politicians for it?  Because they can weasel out on a much larger scale than we do, and they tend to get away with it (get re-elected) while we don't.

Try something for me.  Go to your boss and say this: 

"Going forward, I plan to do everything in my power to be the ideal employee." 

Next, don't go to work for a week and don't answer any phone calls.  Then go back to work acting like nothing happened.  See if you're boss takes you back based on the argument that you are keeping your word, but that when you said "going forward" you meant "one week from now."  Try it.  Dare ya.

It just isn't the same for us regular folks.  So what is the difference?  Dan Akroyd has the answer.

 

Results.  Results are what separate us from our leaders.  If you say that you'll do a job in the private sector, get hired, and then fail to do that job you will get fired (unless you have powerful friends in the public sector to bail you out).  If you get elected to do a job in the public sector and then fail to do that job, you can weasel out an escape hatch, get re-elected, and live to leech another day. 
 



A Parting Lesson from a Master Weasel

There are some weasels who are free from the cumbersome restraints of conscience (sociopaths).  They have the ability to squeeze through the tiniest of hatches.  But we, the sheeple, are the ones who ultimately let them escape.  It worked for the master weasel, watch:

Lesson for prosecutors: never use the word "is" or you'll be walking right into a trap.

The National Father's Day Council named that weasel "Father of the Year" in 2013.  I know what you're thinking.  I thought I had read it wrong the first time too, but it doesn't say "Father of All Lies of the Year" it's just father of the year.  You've gotta admit, that is some mighty fine weaseling -- real quality work.
 

Sheep, Weasels, and Ferrets

Hiring and firing, electing and re-electing should all be done based upon results -- not tricky word games. 

We the sheeple are to blame for the differences between the public and private sectors because we re-elect weasels.  If we the sheeple don't want weasels as leaders, then we must learn to understand their bull crap (ferret them out) and have them replaced. 

There is only room for one moderately-successful weasel in this country, and I think we all know who that is.

The Computer Cheated... Er This Paddle Sucks

"Sorry but prayers and giving your kids hugs fix nothing; only having the balls to stand up to our insane selfish gun culture will."

-- Bill Maher, author, philosopher... believes a hammer can think

 

***** 

Remember when the Super Nintendo came out?  It was incredible.  I remember standing with my nose inches from the screen (my nose allowed for mere inches back then) while my brothers and I marveled at how round Mario’s hands were.  “Would ya just look at em?!  They aren’t square anymore, they’re round!  ROUND HANDS!"  It was a 16-bit, Japanese, Christmas miracle. 

Remember when Mortal Kombat came out?  I sure do.  I remember riding my bike to Ferron Funtime Video to drop a cool $2 so I could spend 48 hours of “me time” making Sub-Zero remove Kano’s head (along with some central nervous system).  But it wasn’t always such fun.

I remember where I was standing in the Sinclair gas station in Orangeville when I first saw this image.  Nintendo would never be the same again.

Remember when the game would cheat?  Oh boy I do.  I hated that!  It didn’t matter how fast my reflexes were (and I remember them being cat-like), the computer could somehow always make Goro (who had four arms, FOUR ARMS) pummel the life out of my character until I got to hear Shang Tsung say, “Finish Him!” (or something) and  then he’d say, “You Lose!”  Freakin’ game cheats right?!  Cause I was doing everything exactly right until the game cheated.

Well, it wasn’t always the game’s fault.  Sometimes it was the paddle.  Mario’s hands may have been (super) round but boy did those paddles need some work.  And when the paddle didn’t work properly, it was important to try and fix it.  My brothers and I became experts at blaming and fixing paddles.  We must have fixed a handful of those paddles just by slamming them against the wall or the television screen until they fell apart (shoddy Japanese craftsmanship probably).  Yep, faulty paddles.  It couldn't have been our timing.  No our timing was perfect, and we always knew which combination of buttons to push.  If we failed to save some princess or another, and it wasn’t because the game (a computer) cheated, it was definitely the defective paddles. 

Just look at it.  Sitting there.  It even looks defective.  No not defective, evil.  Doesn't it look like it's planning on helping you get all the way to Ganondorf only to stab you in the back by making you miss your shots and run out of silver arrows?  Yeah, I see it too.  I totally see it.

These are some of the mental gymnastics a highly-emotional tween is capable of when he wants to protect himself from seeing his own inadequacies.  Remarkable isn’t it?  Well it’s a good thing we grow up and stop blaming inanimate objects for our failures.  (Look at Bill's tweet again.)  Well, some of us have grown up.

Our kind friend Bill (America's sweetheart) hasn't grown out of the habit of blaming objects for human frailties or behavior.  After this most recent human tragedy, Bill made sure – within hours – to shift the blame to inanimate objects (and lovingly remind us how stupid it is to pray/meditate and show love to our kids... boy do we look like idiots). 

But Bill is no idiot.  You see, Bill is an intellectual.  He doesn’t like the idea that people pray to some religulous God.  He’s too smart for that. 

Instead, Bill believes that objects (like Nintendo paddles, cars, or toasters) have free will.  He thinks that objects can make plans and then carry them out.  Cause that’s what makes sense to Bill.  Hey, when I was ten and I failed at Nintendo, I knew who/what to blame.  And when Bill hears about people failing at life and committing unthinkable acts of horror, he isn't fooled either, he knows where to find the real culprits: not the people, but the things they use.  Bill is no idiot, oh goodness no, he's an intellectual.

"Don't blame me.  I'm just a person.  I don't think and make choices like some common... um... like a blanket or something."

My thirty minutes are spent, more to come…