What Do Sheep, Weasels, and a Ferret Have in Common? 'Merica.

 

Shortly after the IRS was caught being naughty, Brobama gave this speech and my brain started burning.  It wasn't what the Chief said, but that he was able to say so much without committing himself to specific action.  This is a problem we have with the ruling class: they speak a different language than we do.  It's English but it isn't English, it's something else (not 'Merican).

This isn't English either, this is Engrish:

 Don't worry, it's a dericious crassic.

 

Let's All Go to Correge 

One of the most valuable classes I took in college was called "Understanding Rhetoric."  Which is a nice name for a class that teaches us how to detect bullcrap and sort it into varieties.  In that class I learned two good techniques: 1) to pay attention to what people are choosing not to say, and 2) to consider any possible alternative interpretations of their wording. 

Here's an example from real life (sort of):
 

Wife: "Trevie, will you take this garbage out?  It stinks."

Trevie: "Yep. I'm on it."
 

Sounds like Trevie is the ideal American husband-man huh?  False.  Keep listening for the part when it's 2 hours later and the stinky trash is still indoors.  Here it is:

Wife: "You said you were going to take out the trash?"
Trevie: "I know. And I will."

Wife: "You said you were 'on it.'"

Trevie: "Yeah, I said I was on it, but I didn't say that I was on it right that second. The day isn't over yet.  I'll get it done.  Relax."
 

You see what Trevie did there? 

1. He found a way to use something he didn't say in his defense. 
2. He took the liberty of an alternate interpretation of what it means to be "on it."

 

Supreme Leader Speaks English... 'Merican... Something

"I’ll do everything in my power to make sure nothing like this happens again by holding the responsible parties accountable... and going forward, by making sure that the law is applied as it should be..."

-- Barry O. Bahama, Supreme Leader, Gubmint of 'Merica

 

Sounds like Barry's taking out the trash.  He's on it.  But just so we're all on the same page, we may need to clarify some things such as:

• Who are the "responsible parties?"
• What does it mean to hold "responsible parties accountable?"
• How soon is "going forward" going to happen?

Cause here's what I thought when I heard it:

• "responsible parties" = the entire IRS
• to hold "responsible parties accountable" = firing the entire IRS
• "going forward" = tomorrow

 
No federal entity ever really gets fired, so Brobama's interpretation is likely different from mine.  Come up with your own interpretations and see what happens.  It's neat.  Soon you will see that everything he said could mean anything his heart wants it to mean (and that's what matters most).  You will see that Barry is about as "on it" as Trevie was on that stinky trash.  

 

 

Escape-Hatch English (Weasel Words)

Being brief and deliberately vague (like Trevie and Barry were) is one fun way of building escape hatches into our language.  These escape hatches help us weasel our way out of keeping our word.  Escape-hatch English is an important language to understand, so I'm recommending it to friends and non-enemies.

If you aren't sure you'll recognize escape-hatch English when you see it, just look for weasely words like "try my very best" or "fulfill my duty" or "the best of my ability."  Those are key indicators of impending bull crap.

It's Okay* to be Different   *definitions of "okay" may vary from state to state

We all weasel out of something sometime by using cheap escape-hatch tricks.  So why pick on politicians for it?  Because they can weasel out on a much larger scale than we do, and they tend to get away with it (get re-elected) while we don't.

Try something for me.  Go to your boss and say this: 

"Going forward, I plan to do everything in my power to be the ideal employee." 

Next, don't go to work for a week and don't answer any phone calls.  Then go back to work acting like nothing happened.  See if you're boss takes you back based on the argument that you are keeping your word, but that when you said "going forward" you meant "one week from now."  Try it.  Dare ya.

It just isn't the same for us regular folks.  So what is the difference?  Dan Akroyd has the answer.

 

Results.  Results are what separate us from our leaders.  If you say that you'll do a job in the private sector, get hired, and then fail to do that job you will get fired (unless you have powerful friends in the public sector to bail you out).  If you get elected to do a job in the public sector and then fail to do that job, you can weasel out an escape hatch, get re-elected, and live to leech another day. 
 



A Parting Lesson from a Master Weasel

There are some weasels who are free from the cumbersome restraints of conscience (sociopaths).  They have the ability to squeeze through the tiniest of hatches.  But we, the sheeple, are the ones who ultimately let them escape.  It worked for the master weasel, watch:

Lesson for prosecutors: never use the word "is" or you'll be walking right into a trap.

The National Father's Day Council named that weasel "Father of the Year" in 2013.  I know what you're thinking.  I thought I had read it wrong the first time too, but it doesn't say "Father of All Lies of the Year" it's just father of the year.  You've gotta admit, that is some mighty fine weaseling -- real quality work.
 

Sheep, Weasels, and Ferrets

Hiring and firing, electing and re-electing should all be done based upon results -- not tricky word games. 

We the sheeple are to blame for the differences between the public and private sectors because we re-elect weasels.  If we the sheeple don't want weasels as leaders, then we must learn to understand their bull crap (ferret them out) and have them replaced. 

There is only room for one moderately-successful weasel in this country, and I think we all know who that is.

The Computer Cheated... Er This Paddle Sucks

"Sorry but prayers and giving your kids hugs fix nothing; only having the balls to stand up to our insane selfish gun culture will."

-- Bill Maher, author, philosopher... believes a hammer can think

 

***** 

Remember when the Super Nintendo came out?  It was incredible.  I remember standing with my nose inches from the screen (my nose allowed for mere inches back then) while my brothers and I marveled at how round Mario’s hands were.  “Would ya just look at em?!  They aren’t square anymore, they’re round!  ROUND HANDS!"  It was a 16-bit, Japanese, Christmas miracle. 

Remember when Mortal Kombat came out?  I sure do.  I remember riding my bike to Ferron Funtime Video to drop a cool $2 so I could spend 48 hours of “me time” making Sub-Zero remove Kano’s head (along with some central nervous system).  But it wasn’t always such fun.

I remember where I was standing in the Sinclair gas station in Orangeville when I first saw this image.  Nintendo would never be the same again.

Remember when the game would cheat?  Oh boy I do.  I hated that!  It didn’t matter how fast my reflexes were (and I remember them being cat-like), the computer could somehow always make Goro (who had four arms, FOUR ARMS) pummel the life out of my character until I got to hear Shang Tsung say, “Finish Him!” (or something) and  then he’d say, “You Lose!”  Freakin’ game cheats right?!  Cause I was doing everything exactly right until the game cheated.

Well, it wasn’t always the game’s fault.  Sometimes it was the paddle.  Mario’s hands may have been (super) round but boy did those paddles need some work.  And when the paddle didn’t work properly, it was important to try and fix it.  My brothers and I became experts at blaming and fixing paddles.  We must have fixed a handful of those paddles just by slamming them against the wall or the television screen until they fell apart (shoddy Japanese craftsmanship probably).  Yep, faulty paddles.  It couldn't have been our timing.  No our timing was perfect, and we always knew which combination of buttons to push.  If we failed to save some princess or another, and it wasn’t because the game (a computer) cheated, it was definitely the defective paddles. 

Just look at it.  Sitting there.  It even looks defective.  No not defective, evil.  Doesn't it look like it's planning on helping you get all the way to Ganondorf only to stab you in the back by making you miss your shots and run out of silver arrows?  Yeah, I see it too.  I totally see it.

These are some of the mental gymnastics a highly-emotional tween is capable of when he wants to protect himself from seeing his own inadequacies.  Remarkable isn’t it?  Well it’s a good thing we grow up and stop blaming inanimate objects for our failures.  (Look at Bill's tweet again.)  Well, some of us have grown up.

Our kind friend Bill (America's sweetheart) hasn't grown out of the habit of blaming objects for human frailties or behavior.  After this most recent human tragedy, Bill made sure – within hours – to shift the blame to inanimate objects (and lovingly remind us how stupid it is to pray/meditate and show love to our kids... boy do we look like idiots). 

But Bill is no idiot.  You see, Bill is an intellectual.  He doesn’t like the idea that people pray to some religulous God.  He’s too smart for that. 

Instead, Bill believes that objects (like Nintendo paddles, cars, or toasters) have free will.  He thinks that objects can make plans and then carry them out.  Cause that’s what makes sense to Bill.  Hey, when I was ten and I failed at Nintendo, I knew who/what to blame.  And when Bill hears about people failing at life and committing unthinkable acts of horror, he isn't fooled either, he knows where to find the real culprits: not the people, but the things they use.  Bill is no idiot, oh goodness no, he's an intellectual.

"Don't blame me.  I'm just a person.  I don't think and make choices like some common... um... like a blanket or something."

My thirty minutes are spent, more to come…